So random story...
Today after school I went home with a friend and we were going to pick up my purse to go out for the night when I realized I didn't have my key :( We knocked and knocked and no one came. So we had to be creative. :) She climed throught the window and saved the day :)
I've been having lots of fun adventures since I've been here.
I'll post more soon as I am sure they'll come :)
Update :) March 2011 REXBURG IDAHO
So I am wayyyyy behind on my blogging which is probably why I continued to put it off. Haha but I need to get it done so here it goes....
I have been in Idaho for almost a month now. It has its pros, as well as it's cons. Rexburg is not anything like Reno, But I have learned there are ways to make your own fun you just need to put forth a little effort.
My first day here I met my roomates.
There is Cassie, Emily, And Annie. :) Already I have learned something from each of them.
Cassie Shares a room with me. She is a spunky, strong-willed, fiery kinda girl. Basically everything Cassie Does is amazing. She is an addict- to her scriptures. Seriously the girl cannot get enough of them. She sits there and laughs at them. Who needs SNL when you have the humor of idiot laman and lemuel? Haha that's her point of view on it I guess :) Also Cassie is from the south. And she taught me recently how to make authentic, (black people) homeade fried chicken :) And the other day she was so sweet and brought me breakfast in bed!!! I love that girl. She's for sure an example.
Emily is as well very spunky. But I think the best verb to describe Emily is frisky. I love when emily laughs. It always lifts my spirits :) She is very in touch with the spiritual as well as literal sides of things. She has a lot of life experience and is a good teacher but also a good listener. She is very in tune with people and how they are feeling. She is my pal to watch ghost movies with. When I start to freak out she always is there to comfort...Or tell me to get a spine haha :) Emily is great. She can always lighten my mood :) Not to mention she has awesome style when it comes to clothes, fashion, etc...
Annie is rarely here, HOWEVER.... when she is here she is usually skyping with friend and talking in spanish. :) She is a very fun girl and she is about to go on a mission. You can tell Annie is an independant strong girl. She has taught me to be patient with relationships. Annie's latina flare makes me feel a little closer to home :)
My first day of school was great. Paul Mitchell is great. They very much contour the curriculum to your individula style of learning. Some people learn better by just listening. Some need to play with something in their hand to keep busy to pay attention. Others need a little energy boost. Ha no worries PM has it covered. Everyday on our desks are toys to play with, candy, markers, etc... Music is often played for those who learn through music. It's such a creative and fun enviroment. Lots of times someone will bust into the classroom and say " He we're dancing get out here" And we all shuffle out to spend a couple minutes improving a line dance. It's definitly a show for our clients :) We have two learning leaders (not to be called teacher) Who are the life of the Paul Mitchell party! Brigite and Courntey. Love them both. They have a lot of patience and so much knowledge. They are great!
I was having such a hard time getting up for school. And I had a blessing. It encouraged me to read my scriptures and say my prayers more consistantly. I have really been trying to focus on that. When I do read and pray I don't have a hard time getting up. I'm coming to find, when i don't i cannot function. I cannot do it on my own and it's ok to rely on the lord. I need his help. I love his help.
Friends have been great. I'm so grateful for those ones I have been able to talk to and get great advice from. I have needed their help as well.
My ward is awesome. LOTS of cute boys to keep me occupied. My bishop is outstanding and it's just a really good enviroment.
The other night in honor of sister I tried to relive her memory in Idaho and I did a hot and cold escapade. Me and a friend were in a hot tob, then we got out, and in our swimsuits rolled on the snow. It BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNEEEDDD! Most pain of my life haha. After the snow we got back into the hot tub... And I thought the first burn was bad.... This was worse. Then I turned around and realized we were being watched the whole time by a boy who was in our ward. :/ All i can say is ":/" Haha.
Tonight there is a Luao. (spell check?) For institute. Then I have some grocery shopping to do which brings me to my last subject...
I overspent on my very unstrict budget. It was completely ad totally my own fault. And my parents helped me out. I miss them so very much. I miss those sundays and home cooked meals. I miss my yiddlest boy. My effort to not miss him has been an epic fail. He is the background on my screen saver. I miss that little guy. He is the best nephew ever. I miss my little brother. I called him yesterday to tell him and I think he was a little weirded out. haha. And I miss my sister Katers. And her pie too :( I miss my Ry and his sweet spirit. I miss my Brudder justin. And his Cara. I miss My Ditty!!!!! And my momma. I want a hug from my momma. I miss watching cold case with her until 3 am :(
I miss my family.
I miss Isaac and the Owensbys.
I miss the heat.
But I don't miss my old life. My old habits (some im still trying to conquer).
I'm so grateful for this new start. I finally get to have the life I need and want.
I have been in Idaho for almost a month now. It has its pros, as well as it's cons. Rexburg is not anything like Reno, But I have learned there are ways to make your own fun you just need to put forth a little effort.
My first day here I met my roomates.
There is Cassie, Emily, And Annie. :) Already I have learned something from each of them.
Cassie Shares a room with me. She is a spunky, strong-willed, fiery kinda girl. Basically everything Cassie Does is amazing. She is an addict- to her scriptures. Seriously the girl cannot get enough of them. She sits there and laughs at them. Who needs SNL when you have the humor of idiot laman and lemuel? Haha that's her point of view on it I guess :) Also Cassie is from the south. And she taught me recently how to make authentic, (black people) homeade fried chicken :) And the other day she was so sweet and brought me breakfast in bed!!! I love that girl. She's for sure an example.
Emily is as well very spunky. But I think the best verb to describe Emily is frisky. I love when emily laughs. It always lifts my spirits :) She is very in touch with the spiritual as well as literal sides of things. She has a lot of life experience and is a good teacher but also a good listener. She is very in tune with people and how they are feeling. She is my pal to watch ghost movies with. When I start to freak out she always is there to comfort...Or tell me to get a spine haha :) Emily is great. She can always lighten my mood :) Not to mention she has awesome style when it comes to clothes, fashion, etc...
Annie is rarely here, HOWEVER.... when she is here she is usually skyping with friend and talking in spanish. :) She is a very fun girl and she is about to go on a mission. You can tell Annie is an independant strong girl. She has taught me to be patient with relationships. Annie's latina flare makes me feel a little closer to home :)
My first day of school was great. Paul Mitchell is great. They very much contour the curriculum to your individula style of learning. Some people learn better by just listening. Some need to play with something in their hand to keep busy to pay attention. Others need a little energy boost. Ha no worries PM has it covered. Everyday on our desks are toys to play with, candy, markers, etc... Music is often played for those who learn through music. It's such a creative and fun enviroment. Lots of times someone will bust into the classroom and say " He we're dancing get out here" And we all shuffle out to spend a couple minutes improving a line dance. It's definitly a show for our clients :) We have two learning leaders (not to be called teacher) Who are the life of the Paul Mitchell party! Brigite and Courntey. Love them both. They have a lot of patience and so much knowledge. They are great!
I was having such a hard time getting up for school. And I had a blessing. It encouraged me to read my scriptures and say my prayers more consistantly. I have really been trying to focus on that. When I do read and pray I don't have a hard time getting up. I'm coming to find, when i don't i cannot function. I cannot do it on my own and it's ok to rely on the lord. I need his help. I love his help.
Friends have been great. I'm so grateful for those ones I have been able to talk to and get great advice from. I have needed their help as well.
My ward is awesome. LOTS of cute boys to keep me occupied. My bishop is outstanding and it's just a really good enviroment.
The other night in honor of sister I tried to relive her memory in Idaho and I did a hot and cold escapade. Me and a friend were in a hot tob, then we got out, and in our swimsuits rolled on the snow. It BUUUUURRRRRRNNNNEEEDDD! Most pain of my life haha. After the snow we got back into the hot tub... And I thought the first burn was bad.... This was worse. Then I turned around and realized we were being watched the whole time by a boy who was in our ward. :/ All i can say is ":/" Haha.
Tonight there is a Luao. (spell check?) For institute. Then I have some grocery shopping to do which brings me to my last subject...
I overspent on my very unstrict budget. It was completely ad totally my own fault. And my parents helped me out. I miss them so very much. I miss those sundays and home cooked meals. I miss my yiddlest boy. My effort to not miss him has been an epic fail. He is the background on my screen saver. I miss that little guy. He is the best nephew ever. I miss my little brother. I called him yesterday to tell him and I think he was a little weirded out. haha. And I miss my sister Katers. And her pie too :( I miss my Ry and his sweet spirit. I miss my Brudder justin. And his Cara. I miss My Ditty!!!!! And my momma. I want a hug from my momma. I miss watching cold case with her until 3 am :(
I miss my family.
I miss Isaac and the Owensbys.
I miss the heat.
But I don't miss my old life. My old habits (some im still trying to conquer).
I'm so grateful for this new start. I finally get to have the life I need and want.
Messages
Messages are everywhere. So are lessons. You can be taught amazing things by almost any situation. I don't think its our lack of available lessons thats the problem. I think the problem is when we hear the messages we don't apply them. And when we take part in these lessons, we don't TRULY learn from them.
Hannah Lorsch
Hannah Lorsch
Call Me Beautiful.
Urban dictionary's definition of HOTT:
Well it is innapropriate so I'm not going to put it.
Urban dictionary's definition of Sexy:
Well when you type it in, there is a picture of a girl with almost everything hanging out.
Urban dictionary's definition of Beautiful:
Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight, but also inner beauty-intelligence. Excellent; wonderful. Classy.
Ok so we are flirting amd you want to compliment me? To start don't call me HOTT. Why? Because it does NOT flatter me. Hott insinuates the idea that I'm sleazy, easy, and other such things.
Don't call me hott.
You think there are things that are attractive about me. Then say that. Don't tell me I'm sexy. Do I look like a poster from victoria secret? Do I walk around in underwear? Um no. So why call me sexy?
Why can't you call me beautiful?
Why can't you call me gorgeous?
Why must you catergorize me as something so common place as a girl who doesn't wear enough clothing?
There are enough easy, promiscuous girls out there.
Not enough modest ones.
There is plenty of skin already being shown off to the rest of the world.
I'd prefer not to use mine for attention.
If you want something common your looking in the wrong place.
Because I'm unique.
I refuse to to grab your interest by using provacitive language.
I will enchant you with my intelligence.
I will shun your offers to act scandalously
And accept your offer to take me to dinner.
Expect to ACTUALLY get to know me- because I AM A PERSON.I'm not just a body.
Notice how Personality's root is Person?
If it was all about the looks then it wouldn't it be called "Bodyality"
Call me gorgeous.
Get to know who I am.
Realize the individual I am.
Recognize the important things.
Realize that in 80 years the looks will have faded. We will both be gray haired and wrinkly. The looks will wither away, but my personality won't.
Beautiful or ugly?:
Kind. Sweet. Caring. Devoted. Loyal. Compassionate. Charitable. Friendly. Outoging. Loving.
Beautiful or ugly?:
Rude. Spiteful. Dishonest. Selfish. Fake.
Has your perception on beautiful changed yet?
Well I'm beautful, so take a good look.
Well it is innapropriate so I'm not going to put it.
Urban dictionary's definition of Sexy:
Well when you type it in, there is a picture of a girl with almost everything hanging out.
Urban dictionary's definition of Beautiful:
Having qualities that delight the senses, especially the sense of sight, but also inner beauty-intelligence. Excellent; wonderful. Classy.
Ok so we are flirting amd you want to compliment me? To start don't call me HOTT. Why? Because it does NOT flatter me. Hott insinuates the idea that I'm sleazy, easy, and other such things.
Don't call me hott.
You think there are things that are attractive about me. Then say that. Don't tell me I'm sexy. Do I look like a poster from victoria secret? Do I walk around in underwear? Um no. So why call me sexy?
Why can't you call me beautiful?
Why can't you call me gorgeous?
Why must you catergorize me as something so common place as a girl who doesn't wear enough clothing?
There are enough easy, promiscuous girls out there.
Not enough modest ones.
There is plenty of skin already being shown off to the rest of the world.
I'd prefer not to use mine for attention.
If you want something common your looking in the wrong place.
Because I'm unique.
I refuse to to grab your interest by using provacitive language.
I will enchant you with my intelligence.
I will shun your offers to act scandalously
And accept your offer to take me to dinner.
Call me beautiful.
Listen to the things I say.
Expect to ACTUALLY get to know me- because I AM A PERSON.Notice how Personality's root is Person?
If it was all about the looks then it wouldn't it be called "Bodyality"
Call me gorgeous.
Get to know who I am.
Realize the individual I am.
Recognize the important things.
Realize that in 80 years the looks will have faded. We will both be gray haired and wrinkly. The looks will wither away, but my personality won't.
Beautiful or ugly?:
Kind. Sweet. Caring. Devoted. Loyal. Compassionate. Charitable. Friendly. Outoging. Loving.
Beautiful or ugly?:
Rude. Spiteful. Dishonest. Selfish. Fake.
Has your perception on beautiful changed yet?
Well I'm beautful, so take a good look.
Attention: Low Self Esteemed Young Women
FACT: Every girl wants that perfect guy.
FACT:But we must remember that every guy wants an awesome girl.
HYPOTHESIS: Girls who don't repsect themselves won't reach their full potential of awesomeness.
COME ON GIRLS! Show yourself a lil RESPECT!!!!
This is from an actual experience with an actual girl.
So I call my boyfriend who I had not been dating long(now exboyfriend) and a girl answers the phone and tells me to bug off because she is now with my boyfriend. I hang up.
Ok WHAT?! Rewind!!!! First off, when did my boyfriend decide to delete me from his life?! And WHY did he not tell me?!?!?!
Answer: He is a cheater face. Mean, Selfish, and not to be trusted. Also Obviously LAME for not doing it himself. Can anybody say coward??
1 minute after the phone call I feel angry. Mad. Frustrated.
2 minutes after I feel sad and hurt.
3 minutes after I wonder why the heck I dated such an OBVIOUS loser.
4 minutes later I get a text from the girl, on a different number.
My reply: Um sorry my mistake.
Text from girl: No really who are you?
My reply: Well aparently now im his EX girlfriend. So you have nothing to worry about.
Text from girl: So you two were dating?
My reply: obviously.
Text from girl: For how long?
My reply: I really don't want to talk to you. I don't know you and you were really mean to me on the phone.
Text from girl: I'm sorry I'm just super uspet right now. I can't believe this.
My reply: Well I'm sorry but I think we were both being played.
Text from girl: This sucks. Sorry for being mean.
My reply: It's understandable I would do the same thing.
Text from girl: I'm like totally sad now.
My reply: Well I'm not going to have anything to do with him anymore so he's all yours.
Text from girl: Yeah I am so done with him too!
My reply: SMart girl. He is obviously NOT good enough for either of us.
Text from girl: Ok. Well Thanks for the info. Good luck to you.
I thought that was the end of it. But a few days later she is sending me texts again.
Text from girl: He keeps calling me and trying to apologize.
(Funny thing- he was calling me too! I don't know what about because I wouldn't asnwer. hmm wonder what he wanted to say. lol)
Me: Look not to be rude, but I kind a want out of this situation.
Text from girl: Well I was just wondering if you could tell me all of the mean things he may have said about me so I won't be tempted to talk to him.
Ok... This is what I am referring to. How sad is it that this girl ASKED to be HURT!!! She wanted to know things that would hurt her feelings so she would not be tempted to talk to Mr. Cheater face!!!! No! The reason this upsets me is if the girl had enough self respect she would have dropped this dude. Her repellant to him should nto have to be mean things he has said about her ON TOP of the fact that he cheated. Isn't the fact that he used, cheated, and played her enough?
Can't young women love themselves enough to do things a little differently?
First, try and be selective as to whom you date. YOU DESERVE THE BEST. YOU CAN GET THE BEST. And if you feel like you are not at this moment worthy for the best- improve upon those things that are holding you back!!!!!
Also, when you do get involved with the wrong guy, when he screws you over, toss him aside and never look back. Because as soon as you look back, It's kinda like you will see a sad, orphaned puppy.
You will feel so bad you will run back to him, and once you get close again, once you are cuddling him, he's gonna maul you!
(Not always but most of the time.) He will have turned into a whole different breed in a manner of seconds.And have the respect for yourself to leave him because you can do better. Because he didn't treat you right.
Men have it easy sometimes. They get to act tough. For most, It is part of their make up. But girls- we can be tough too! We can be strong! We can toss the losers aside and have our happily ever afters. There is hope!!!!
I have had my share of cheater-faces. I have had my share of bad boy experiences. But what I have learned is that I'm worth WAY too much to be jerked around.
On the brighter side- I don't care who you are, what you have done. IT DOESN'T matter. EVERY girl is a princess and deserves to be treated like one.
I just hope us girls can be strong when it comes to guys. I hope we can remember our INFINITE worth.
LOVE YOURSELF LADIES!
Call It Scandalous!
What the heck is Valentines day all about? What's the history behind it? well to sum it up...
"Legend has it that Valentine was a priest who served during third century Rome. There was an Emperor at that time by the name of Claudius II. Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those that were married. With this thought in mind he outlawed marriage for young men in hopes of building a stronger military base. Supposedly, Valentine, decided this decree just wasn't fair and chose to marry young couples secretly. When Emperor Claudius II found out about Valentine's actions he had him put to death."
http://holidays.kaboose.com/valentines-day/history/val-history.html
Ok so it's a day devoted to forbidden love? That's what I got from it. I don't that was a very practical or even neccesary way of thinking. However it caused me to think of other old ways of thinkning that I believe the world would be better to observe again.
Let's rewind to the early 1900's.
"A typical couple in the early 1900's did a little something called "courting".
Courting wasn't something young people did merely for a good time; it was a serious family business proposition. Surprisingly, the main players in the marriage process often weren't just the bride and groom; they were the parents of the bride and groom. "
http://www.verticalthought.org/issues/vt02/historydating.htm
Whoa. Ok thats a little different. First of all I don't know a ton of teenagers today that actively discuss and involve their parents when it comes to the person he or she may be dating. And also it's funny to think if dating were looked at the same way today as it was then, that it seems 2nd graders would be discussing marriage- because aparently people in second grade these days have somewhat serious relationships. /:(
Now now, I'm not saying that everyone needs to get married right away. Really what I'm reffering to is how the boys treated the girls. Chivalry was far from dead.
A girl was asked on a date and the date was formal. She was treated like a queen (as all women should be treated.) Doors were opened for her, she was given his jacket if it got chilly, and he always went to go get her her drink.
Also, I believe most of the time back then, the boys would nto kiss until like the 5th or 6th date. And sex? Ha yeah right.
However my main point that I'm trying to get to (AND NOT TO BE HYPOCRITICAL) But I think sex back then was totally treated differently. Those who had sex before marriage were considered scandalous, wild, and unmannered. It makes me sad to think how easlily accpeted, and widespread premarital sex has become today. I'm OBVIOUSLY not one to speak considering I have had a baby, BUT now that I'm in a better place, and now that I have looked back, I wish i would not have been one to so easily accept it.
I say call premarital sex scandalous! I say don't let something that should be special between two people be an activity to cure boredom. I say stop facilitating a place for your son to bring his girlfriend to spend the night. I understand that people have their ability to choose-So elminating this issue is impossible. But just don't make it so easy.
Just sayin.
"Legend has it that Valentine was a priest who served during third century Rome. There was an Emperor at that time by the name of Claudius II. Emperor Claudius II decided that single men made better soldiers than those that were married. With this thought in mind he outlawed marriage for young men in hopes of building a stronger military base. Supposedly, Valentine, decided this decree just wasn't fair and chose to marry young couples secretly. When Emperor Claudius II found out about Valentine's actions he had him put to death."
http://holidays.kaboose.com/valentines-day/history/val-history.html
Ok so it's a day devoted to forbidden love? That's what I got from it. I don't that was a very practical or even neccesary way of thinking. However it caused me to think of other old ways of thinkning that I believe the world would be better to observe again.
Let's rewind to the early 1900's.
"A typical couple in the early 1900's did a little something called "courting".
Courting wasn't something young people did merely for a good time; it was a serious family business proposition. Surprisingly, the main players in the marriage process often weren't just the bride and groom; they were the parents of the bride and groom. "
http://www.verticalthought.org/issues/vt02/historydating.htm
Whoa. Ok thats a little different. First of all I don't know a ton of teenagers today that actively discuss and involve their parents when it comes to the person he or she may be dating. And also it's funny to think if dating were looked at the same way today as it was then, that it seems 2nd graders would be discussing marriage- because aparently people in second grade these days have somewhat serious relationships. /:(
Now now, I'm not saying that everyone needs to get married right away. Really what I'm reffering to is how the boys treated the girls. Chivalry was far from dead.
A girl was asked on a date and the date was formal. She was treated like a queen (as all women should be treated.) Doors were opened for her, she was given his jacket if it got chilly, and he always went to go get her her drink.
Also, I believe most of the time back then, the boys would nto kiss until like the 5th or 6th date. And sex? Ha yeah right.
However my main point that I'm trying to get to (AND NOT TO BE HYPOCRITICAL) But I think sex back then was totally treated differently. Those who had sex before marriage were considered scandalous, wild, and unmannered. It makes me sad to think how easlily accpeted, and widespread premarital sex has become today. I'm OBVIOUSLY not one to speak considering I have had a baby, BUT now that I'm in a better place, and now that I have looked back, I wish i would not have been one to so easily accept it.
I say call premarital sex scandalous! I say don't let something that should be special between two people be an activity to cure boredom. I say stop facilitating a place for your son to bring his girlfriend to spend the night. I understand that people have their ability to choose-So elminating this issue is impossible. But just don't make it so easy.
Just sayin.
What A girl Wants: A list of things any girl wants. Why? Because It's almost V-day so here are some hints.
- Diamonds. :)
- Kisses
- Sweet nothings
- Forhead kisses
- More diamonds.
- A boy who listens, but also sometimes a boy who talks. I love it when guys are vulnerable and just tell you their feelings :) aww so adorable!
- At this point I'd go for a saphire, I need a break from diamonds.
- Shoes
- CHOCOLATE
- Back to diamonds
- A trip to disneyland!
- Chocolate covered macadamia nuts with carmel :)))))))))))
- hugs
- And best of all, Maybe an "I love you".
Ode to Cara:
Tonight I REALLY love Cara. I just do.
No one needs to know my reasons.
All people need to know is she is...
AMAZING.
Cara is such a good listener. I love that I can confide in her without fear of judgement. I love her advice. And I love how she treats my brudder. I'm so glad they are together. And if for no other reason, simply for the fact that they are so darn adorable together!!!!
I vote yes!
I love You Cara Fun K.
:)
Love,
Hannah
No one needs to know my reasons.
All people need to know is she is...
AMAZING.
I love You Cara Fun K.
:)
Love,
Hannah
I Remember...
- Dance class with Ms. Christy in her basement. My little black leotard.
- Disney movies like the Lion King, Beauty and the Beast, Little mermaid, and the Mighty Ducks!
- Sledding down the big hill at our first house
- Mom making me cheese and crackers while the boys were at school
- Playing with cousins
- Going to grandma L's house and getting jolly rancher sticks from a mug.
- My kitty Casper
- Building forts
- Playing in the woods on a giant log and my brothers pushing me off with sticks :(
- (while I'm on the mind set) My brothers telling me they won't play with me unless I knock down a wasps nest. >:( Getting stung 9 times!!!
- dressing my little brother up in girl clothes
- getting my ears pierced
- going with mom to relief society functions
- mom watching soap operas and folding laundry
- riding the ferry
- Having an "incident" on the ferry. Stupid seagulls.
- going to Seattle for a fun day at the science center
- going to barbeques with family friends
- Playing with Billy and trying to make him fall in love with me by singing on top of a stool.
- the giant swings up the hill
- playing with Bridgett
- trying to fly a kite by tying it to the back of my bike and riding off
- mom and dad buying me a cool binder fro school
- visiting candy cane lane at Christmas time
- Miss Whit and the playground at preschool
- monarch butterflies in kindergarten
- Ms. Howe and her red hair
- Soccer games at Kitsap fair grounds and being upset to have oranges rather than Kudos bars. but always being excited for the Capri suns
- being excited to buy "hot lunch"
- Colby’s beach
- dad writing love notes to us in our lunches (usually on napkins)
- FHE spotlight.
- FHE pillow case races
- Polar dip
- Razor scooters
- Riding bikes on Saturday the whole family
- doing body for life with the whole family and taking family walks together
- KL2 (the band me and Kaz created)
- Playing regular Nintendo, then being excited fro N64! Star fox!
- the big trade of candy after Halloween
- hiking lower Lena lake with dad in sandals
- Family reunions at the lake with the newts: /
- spending the night with my cousins Breanna and Melony
- the pellet stove
- the porch
- the garage being flooded
- making home videos
- getting mad that Patrick got a lot of attention because he was a baby
- going over to aunt Kris’s house and playing with the animals
- going to my uncle who was my dentist
- our giant white toy box
- the gummy sack that ate our toys if we didn't pick them up
- Easter egg hunts
- picking blackberries from the backyard
- the shed with old paint in it
- bonfires
- Parents turning music on really loud throughout the house on Saturdays to get us all up and cleaning.
- Running up grandpa F's legs to do a flip
- playing hide and seek with he cousins
Those are all things I remember. :)
Yiddlest Boy
I love when you come over
and sit upon my lap
I love it how your eyes light up
When your happy, when you clap
I love the little sounds you make
to try and talk with me
I think it's cute when you're uspet
Cuz there's no need to be
I love your big blue Tommy eyes
and your lashes oh so dark
You look so great in pictures
Just see the ones from at the park!
I love it how you study me
with those giant sky blue eyes
I love it how you giggle
when you get a big suprise
I love it how you stare
at anything that shines
I love it how you contemplate
when just staring at the blinds!
Tommy you have helped me lots
by showing me your love!
The best yiddle boy aunti Hannah could have
You are so peaceful like a dove!
:)
Following My Yellow Brick Road...
"Despite the familiarity of life in Kansas, Dorothy wondered what life offered beyond the bounds of her experience—she wondered what was "over the rainbow." " "Often, a person has to reach some sort of impasse in their life to spur them to begin their own spiritual journey. We must face the challenges of the spiritual journey, much like Dorothy confronted her own demons ("lions and tigers and bears, oh my!"). "  Very soon I'm leaving my warm, sunny little farm in "Kansas" to head to a dungeon of iceicles. Why? Beacuse I'm following my own yellow brick road. And rather than trying to see what's over the raindbow, I'm in search of my own. I think to have my own rainbow I would be content. So I'm traveling down my yellow brick road! I'm sure there will be Lions, And Tigers, And Bears (Oh my!) Along the way... but I'm ready for them. And what does Lion number one look like?  SNOW. Cold, BELOW Freezing, wet, white, fluffy, (Maybe slushy) SNOW. As opposed to....  My HOT, dry, dusty, cactus filled, barren desert. It will be QUITE the change for me. The weather change I will be experiencing should count as 4 lions. My Tigers... Goodbye friends....   50 Tigers. My bears.... I'm going to miss these people VERY VERY MUCH!  And..... OH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It's enough to make anyone dislike wild animals. My family has been wonderful I'm going to miss sundays when everyone gathers at the house and we have dinner together and gawk at my amazing little nephew tommy. I'm going to miss my grandma and her sweet little self making me clean up after dinner. I'm going to miss Ryan and Katie and how much they adore each other. I'm going to miss Katies chocolate pie. And Ryan playing with tommy. I''m going to miss my yiddlest boy Tommy. I'm going to miss him giving me kisses and trying to play wiht my phone and the other millions of adorable things he does. I'm goign to miss my brudder and his girlfriend and how sick their love makes me. I'm going to miss my little brother, who is such a good kid. I'm going to miss picking on him, and watchign him flex to show off his muscles. I'm going to miss my daddy. I'm going to miss the accute attention he pays to whether or not chores are really done. (ok that's a lie i wont miss that.) But I will miss his goofyness. And his falcon tips. And i'll miss his example of being a hard worker. And last but not least I will miss my momma. I will miss her hugs. I will miss all her help and her good advice. Missing them will be that giant grizzly bear from the Disney movie "the fox and the hound". Scary I know. But amidst the ferocious trials I'm going to face in leaving... I will be one step closer to my rainbow. So February 26th I'm heading off. I'm gonna need a killer pair of red heels for this advetnure. SHOPPING TIME!!!! :) Wish me luck. Both Quotes taken from http://www.turnmeondeadman.net/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=56&Itemid=69 | <>There's no place like home...
In numbers...
<3
There is 1 single little face that makes me want to be better...
There are 2 beautiful eyes that make me want to be sweeter.,,
There are 3 other people in his eternal family...
There are 4 million times a day I think about him...
There are 5 letters in his name...
I love you my little boo :)
There is 1 single little face that makes me want to be better...
There are 2 beautiful eyes that make me want to be sweeter.,,
There are 3 other people in his eternal family...
There are 4 million times a day I think about him...
There are 5 letters in his name...
I love you my little boo :)
SUCCESS!!!!!!
So one of my goals, a very difficult one at that has now been accomplished! Ahh! I wanna scream I'm so happy. Finally finished my GED! And not to brag or anything... but I totally rocked those scores! Almost got full points on every single section! Whooo-hooo! Go me! But, also go Mom and Dad for paying for it :) After we found out that I passed Mom and Dad treated the whole fam to my favorite restaurant! Ra. It's a sushi place and OMGosh! I simply cannot get enough! Not only does the place look AWESOME as you can see below....
but the food looks pretty rad AND is... oh my. There are no words. Mmmmmmmmm. Just thinking about it.... Ahh :) Delish.
My favorite is the Viva Las Vegas Roll. So good.
Anyway, after a filling night of fish, fun, and family we headed home. I helped Patrick with a school assignment. It was a goooood night :)
but the food looks pretty rad AND is... oh my. There are no words. Mmmmmmmmm. Just thinking about it.... Ahh :) Delish.
Anyway, after a filling night of fish, fun, and family we headed home. I helped Patrick with a school assignment. It was a goooood night :)
Letter To Kaysh
So one of my best friend’s names is Kaylee. She and Laura equally share the title "Best Friend". However this post is about Kaylee. Why? Because she is my hero.
Kaylee has had her struggles just like everyone, but what sets her apart is her strength and wisdom when it comes to dealing with them. She is... Beautiful. Inside AND out. She is the perfect combo of brains, attitude, kindness, and fun. I look up to her so much.
I spend the night often at the Hulsey girl's homes and am always humbled by watching Kaylee, to see the quiet acts of just... obedience she shows. For example, while I am in the room with her, whittling my life away on Facebook, I look over and she is usually doing one of two things... Working on her homework, OR studying and marking up her scriptures. She does it because it makes her happy. I wish I was more like her. I wish I, first of all had the attention span for homework, and the desire she has to be good, to be obedient. Last night was just one of many nights where I have looked at that girl and just loved who she is, and wished I were more like her.
Sometimes I get upset because she really deserves the best, and sometimes she doesn’t get the best. It makes me sad. But what amazes me, is she doesn't use things not working out as a way to rationalize making bad decisions. She is so full of faith. Rather than being angry when things don't work out Kaylee's mind set is, "If I just keep doing what is right, things WILL eventually work out." My mind set is usually, "Um what the heck. Forget this I give up." I have decided if I become more like Kaylee, I'll probably get farther in life.
I have had countless fun, and I mean FUN memories with Kaylee. One was when we decided we would be cool and make our own "Panda Express" at her home. It really tasted like panda!!!!! We felt so cool that night. Another set of memories I have with Kay is when we would go on drives together in her big white truck and just JAM!!!
Taylor swift to Black Eyed Peas. We would jam until we would start to talk, and then our conversations would get really deep. Those were the moments where I was given the opportunity to learn from Kaylee. She is so smart. And my testimony has grown because of her. She has been there for me always. She is one of a kind.
We also have had many fun picture nights where we take fun pics with each other!!! Those were the nights we shared SOOOO many laughs!!!
This is one of those nights.... haha
:)
And on top of all her shining personality is the girl's shining face. She is beautiful! GORGEOUS!
And to any boys who have ever been mean to her... Um I really wanna punch you. Because HOW? How can ANYONE ever hurt someone so good? So perfect? Um only losers. You know who you are.
I LOVE Kaylee she is my example. She is my BEST FRIEND :)
Love, Chicken Cracker.
My Bucket List :)
I have decided rather than continuing to look back at my past, it's time to plan for my future more fully. I have spent way too much time dwelling on an ugly past that I forgot to realize I can make such a beautiful future. Therefore, I have created my little bucket list. :) Anyone who can help me accomplish anything on it, I need all the help I can get!
*Attend a major sporting event, such as the Olympics, a super bowl, something like that. Why is this important to me? Well, it’s not. I feel like I need to embrace the sporting world and find the magic that the other 3 billion people in the world find in it.
*Swim with a dolphin. Why? Because dolphins were my favorite animal for the longest time. And it would be freaking sweet. Not to mention it would make a cool Facebook profile pic :) Haha
*Be an extra in a film. That would be so fun.
*Meet a prophet. Always wanted to. Tried once with my mom... didn't happen.
*Go ice skating. Never done it :/
*Make a pie- WITHOUT burning it.
*Attend an art show.
* Write a list of all my happy memories that I can remember-maybe my blog will help me accomplish this.
* Write a book. A biography on someone else.
*Write a song. With music. Ugh. That one is going to be hard.
*Kiss Taylor Lautner. Please?
*Design my own wedding dress.
*Go to a concert. Again- never have.
*Put my foot in every Ocean.
*Invent... something Haha
*Ride a camel.
* Take a picture kissing a frog with a crown on my head :)
*Get married
* Send a message in a bottle into the ocean.
*Be the member of a T.V. audience
*Sing in front of hundreds of people
*Raft the Grand Canyon.
*Create a birth mother scholarship. A GOOD ONE.
*Try REAL golf. : /
*Run a marathon.
*Create a Young Women Empowerment Group. This one is so naive girls such as how I once was will be more informed about the things that can happen in relationships. That way they can better choose the kinds of relationships they choose to get into or not get into.
* tag something in public :/ Without it being illegal... is that possible?
*Own a pair of 500 dollar heels.
*Be completely blonde. Yikes.... :0
*Take a picture with a hot boy by the Eiffel Tower :) SO excited for this one!!!!!
*Go to Sea World
*Go to Disneyland 5 more times. Or Disneyworld. Whichever.
*Go on a cruise
* Learn how to play "a thousand miles" by Vanessa Carlton
*See the norhtern lights in person
Now I may or may not get to do all these things... But if I even get to do like half, I'll consider my life totally exciting :)
*Attend a major sporting event, such as the Olympics, a super bowl, something like that. Why is this important to me? Well, it’s not. I feel like I need to embrace the sporting world and find the magic that the other 3 billion people in the world find in it.
*Swim with a dolphin. Why? Because dolphins were my favorite animal for the longest time. And it would be freaking sweet. Not to mention it would make a cool Facebook profile pic :) Haha
*Be an extra in a film. That would be so fun.
*Meet a prophet. Always wanted to. Tried once with my mom... didn't happen.
*Go ice skating. Never done it :/
*Make a pie- WITHOUT burning it.
*Attend an art show.
* Write a list of all my happy memories that I can remember-maybe my blog will help me accomplish this.
* Write a book. A biography on someone else.
*Write a song. With music. Ugh. That one is going to be hard.
*Kiss Taylor Lautner. Please?
*Design my own wedding dress.
*Go to a concert. Again- never have.
*Put my foot in every Ocean.
*Invent... something Haha
*Ride a camel.
* Take a picture kissing a frog with a crown on my head :)
*Get married
* Send a message in a bottle into the ocean.
*Be the member of a T.V. audience
*Sing in front of hundreds of people
*Raft the Grand Canyon.
*Create a birth mother scholarship. A GOOD ONE.
*Try REAL golf. : /
*Run a marathon.
*Create a Young Women Empowerment Group. This one is so naive girls such as how I once was will be more informed about the things that can happen in relationships. That way they can better choose the kinds of relationships they choose to get into or not get into.
* tag something in public :/ Without it being illegal... is that possible?
*Own a pair of 500 dollar heels.
*Be completely blonde. Yikes.... :0
*Take a picture with a hot boy by the Eiffel Tower :) SO excited for this one!!!!!
*Go to Sea World
*Go to Disneyland 5 more times. Or Disneyworld. Whichever.
*Go on a cruise
* Learn how to play "a thousand miles" by Vanessa Carlton
*See the norhtern lights in person
Now I may or may not get to do all these things... But if I even get to do like half, I'll consider my life totally exciting :)
Letter To Justin Timberlake
Dear Justin...
I really think you made N*sync totally rock. And I love your curls. And Tearin Up My Heart is and forever will be my favorite song. I really, REALLY like it. I will put it on my blog as theme music until my next post. Thank you for making the best song- ever.
Sincerely,
Hannah ;)
I really think you made N*sync totally rock. And I love your curls. And Tearin Up My Heart is and forever will be my favorite song. I really, REALLY like it. I will put it on my blog as theme music until my next post. Thank you for making the best song- ever.
Sincerely,
Hannah ;)
Goals For 2011
1. Make my list of goals. -This is one is so I already do something on my list., like a boost of encouragement, because after I finish this list, my list is done! :) Therefore, crossing off the first thing on my list. :)
2. CAR!!!! And Begin School at Paul Mitchell by March.
3. Job :/
4. Increase my vocabulary by learning one new word a month. January's word is... Imbue. This means to endow.
5. Run every night.
6. Stop drinking Mountain Dew.
7. Work on my talents at least one a week.
8. Blog once a week.
9. MOVE OUT!!!!!!!
10. Pay off that stupid ticket.
11. Make it to church every week. For all 3 hours.... (haha this starts as of now.)
12. Learn how to cook without burning stuff.
13. Budget my money. :/ hard.
14. Maybe I'll add more later. This is enough for now. :)
Lata
2. CAR!!!! And Begin School at Paul Mitchell by March.
3. Job :/
4. Increase my vocabulary by learning one new word a month. January's word is... Imbue. This means to endow.
5. Run every night.
6. Stop drinking Mountain Dew.
7. Work on my talents at least one a week.
8. Blog once a week.
9. MOVE OUT!!!!!!!
10. Pay off that stupid ticket.
11. Make it to church every week. For all 3 hours.... (haha this starts as of now.)
12. Learn how to cook without burning stuff.
13. Budget my money. :/ hard.
14. Maybe I'll add more later. This is enough for now. :)
Lata
She Rox My Socks.
A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.
-Arnold H. Glasow
I love roxanne.
She never wanted anything but what was best for me.
She was...a True friend.
-Arnold H. Glasow
She never wanted anything but what was best for me.
She was...a True friend.
How I Feel About My Parents: A Public, Official, Statement.
My parents are brave. SO so brave.
I think the only thing comparable to having a nightmare is watching someone else go through one. There is only so much that one can do to save someone who is falling of a cliff. If the person falling doesn't make enough effort to help themselves, it's unlikely they will make it back up, even with the help of others. And those who help have to be careful so that they aren't pulled over as well.
That's what I think of when it comes to my parents. I was falling off a cliff and they were trying to save me. Those two resorted to every solution they thought possible. To not give them credit for that is heartless. I think there were times I tried my best to get back up from falling, but maybe those were the times my parents needed to take a rest from pulling me up. The timing between efforts just never seemed to work out.
But I know they tried. I know my parents LOVE me. More than I will ever, ever know. They are brave for sticking around as long as they have. They are amazing. And I LOVE THEM.
After my pregnancy became public news, I heard there were people who really treated my parents badly about it. I cannot explain how much that hurt. My choice that led to becoming pregnant was MY CHOICE. From the very beginning. It was not fair that my parents were blamed.
There of course have been things I didn't like. Ways of parenting that I would do differently. BUT... who cares. People are always going to have different ideas and views. It does not make anyone’s more correct than any others.
My mother is a strong, amazing woman. I cannot convey he amount of times that her inspiring words have helped me to make a good choice, when I otherwise would not have.
My Dad is a hard worker. He keeps the memories in my mind of childhood colorful because of his goofy ways.
They are amazing people. And I just want everyone to know this is what I think of them.
I love you Mom and Dad. FOREVER.
I think the only thing comparable to having a nightmare is watching someone else go through one. There is only so much that one can do to save someone who is falling of a cliff. If the person falling doesn't make enough effort to help themselves, it's unlikely they will make it back up, even with the help of others. And those who help have to be careful so that they aren't pulled over as well.
That's what I think of when it comes to my parents. I was falling off a cliff and they were trying to save me. Those two resorted to every solution they thought possible. To not give them credit for that is heartless. I think there were times I tried my best to get back up from falling, but maybe those were the times my parents needed to take a rest from pulling me up. The timing between efforts just never seemed to work out.
But I know they tried. I know my parents LOVE me. More than I will ever, ever know. They are brave for sticking around as long as they have. They are amazing. And I LOVE THEM.
After my pregnancy became public news, I heard there were people who really treated my parents badly about it. I cannot explain how much that hurt. My choice that led to becoming pregnant was MY CHOICE. From the very beginning. It was not fair that my parents were blamed.
There of course have been things I didn't like. Ways of parenting that I would do differently. BUT... who cares. People are always going to have different ideas and views. It does not make anyone’s more correct than any others.
My mother is a strong, amazing woman. I cannot convey he amount of times that her inspiring words have helped me to make a good choice, when I otherwise would not have.
My Dad is a hard worker. He keeps the memories in my mind of childhood colorful because of his goofy ways.
They are amazing people. And I just want everyone to know this is what I think of them.
I love you Mom and Dad. FOREVER.
Explaining My Poem
I used a lot of metaphors and imagery in my writing so readers could visualize the feelings I was experiencing, and the things I was remembering at the time I wrote.
For instance when I talk about the self inflicted wounds that is describing a time in my life when I would self sabotage because I didn't know how else to release the pain I was feeling. Since that time I have developed coping skills that have kept me from dealing with pain in that way.
When I talk about my need to adjust and becoming callused I'm referring to times that I no longer could be afraid of life. It's almost like knowing you are about to walk through fire, your are scared...but you have to do it anyway, because if you don't you will never get to the other side of the room. You become hard after experiences like that.
Losing my innocence refers to me no longer being naive. I came to a point in my life where I could not afford to be trusting for my own good. In order to protect myself from things I felt others in my life should have protected me from all along. People who had promised they would do so, but obviously did not follow through with that promise.
The next part describes my relationship with an ex boyfriend who I became pregnant by. I liken it to a fairytale because that's what our relationship was to me at the time. I go on to explain how I feel the romance caused my relationships with my family to slip. Sometimes it still feels like its slipping.
Later in the poem I describe the adoption of my son and my feelings with that. However, I don't like to elaborate on that.
When I talk about the rugs I am trying to explain that my messy life seems to overlap onto others. And that’s not fun for me, OR my family.
So I would run away. And this is a literal reference. I moved to Utah and ended up on the streets for a while. I could not handle being in the world I was in back in AZ. Life on the streets, being homeless...Is beyond scary. It's such a hard life style to live. I talked about trying to find love even in situations like that.
Then I describe my anger towards religion. (Which by the way did not last long, eventually I realized it was my faith that was keeping me going.)
Then I question if everything is my fault. Or Others...Or both.
I talk about later as being a "toy" towards others. This is referring to men who have used me.
Then I get into some spiritual thoughts. About faith that I can be saved through Christ.
I talk about my angels, people in my life who have made it so I could go on even when times were way hard.
Among them are my parents, my closest friends, church leaders, and my son and his family.
Later I go on to wonder if I my brain am just messed up from everything I have experienced. Or I wonder if the clutter is a result of an unstable life.
The rest of the lines were about my thoughts... and how at times they can be overwhelming, and they race.
The last line is to clarify thought that I know there is hope for me. There is hope for me; there is hope for those who have it harder than me. There is ALWAYS hope for everyone.
For instance when I talk about the self inflicted wounds that is describing a time in my life when I would self sabotage because I didn't know how else to release the pain I was feeling. Since that time I have developed coping skills that have kept me from dealing with pain in that way.
When I talk about my need to adjust and becoming callused I'm referring to times that I no longer could be afraid of life. It's almost like knowing you are about to walk through fire, your are scared...but you have to do it anyway, because if you don't you will never get to the other side of the room. You become hard after experiences like that.
Losing my innocence refers to me no longer being naive. I came to a point in my life where I could not afford to be trusting for my own good. In order to protect myself from things I felt others in my life should have protected me from all along. People who had promised they would do so, but obviously did not follow through with that promise.
The next part describes my relationship with an ex boyfriend who I became pregnant by. I liken it to a fairytale because that's what our relationship was to me at the time. I go on to explain how I feel the romance caused my relationships with my family to slip. Sometimes it still feels like its slipping.
Later in the poem I describe the adoption of my son and my feelings with that. However, I don't like to elaborate on that.
When I talk about the rugs I am trying to explain that my messy life seems to overlap onto others. And that’s not fun for me, OR my family.
So I would run away. And this is a literal reference. I moved to Utah and ended up on the streets for a while. I could not handle being in the world I was in back in AZ. Life on the streets, being homeless...Is beyond scary. It's such a hard life style to live. I talked about trying to find love even in situations like that.
Then I describe my anger towards religion. (Which by the way did not last long, eventually I realized it was my faith that was keeping me going.)
Then I question if everything is my fault. Or Others...Or both.
I talk about later as being a "toy" towards others. This is referring to men who have used me.
Then I get into some spiritual thoughts. About faith that I can be saved through Christ.
I talk about my angels, people in my life who have made it so I could go on even when times were way hard.
Among them are my parents, my closest friends, church leaders, and my son and his family.
Later I go on to wonder if I my brain am just messed up from everything I have experienced. Or I wonder if the clutter is a result of an unstable life.
The rest of the lines were about my thoughts... and how at times they can be overwhelming, and they race.
The last line is to clarify thought that I know there is hope for me. There is hope for me; there is hope for those who have it harder than me. There is ALWAYS hope for everyone.
Welcome To Post Number One! :)
Post number one... It has to be epic right? I mean it's the first post on my blog. Ever! There will never be another first. So I have decided to post a poem I wrote last night. Iwas triggered to write it when I found out a guy I had been dating was married. Yeah. Like...really? It started as a rant of pain and slowly turned into a puddle of all my thoughts. Please note this is how I think when I'm upset... So it's suppsoed to be sad. It does get into some pretty personal stuff, but I'm not ashamed. I'm not ashamed of my life.
It's Not O.K.
By Hannah Marie
It's Not O.K.
By Hannah Marie
It’s not ok.
This…
This is what people would need to know
To understand my pain.
Pain. Pain that caused…
Insanity- that kept me from moving on.
My life, my ordeals, my joys that were also pains,
My heartache,
My despair,
My Sadness. Overwhelming… a constant penetration at my soul.
Your heartache-
YOUR despair that cut me, stung me, and made me hurt more.
Creating a whirlwind of ugly.
My once so picturesque life now splattered…
With the blood of self inflicted wounds
Running, dripping 'round my wrist
A permanent reminder of
Anguish. Now there are scars, piercing the once porcelain delicate skin.
Loss of hope… Complete fear engulfed me.
Fear that was overcome by a NEED to adjust. It callused over.
Making me hard.
Mean.
Losing innocence so I could protect myself from things others,
Others should…
Should have protected me from.
Promised they would protect me from.
Next, A romance no one understood.
Beating me up from the inside out
Like an eerie storm corrupting and destroying everything!
EVERYTHING!
Everything in my path,
The things I held most dear-
I clasped my hands around them trying to keep them from falling
But they slipped.
And I always watched them slip…
Continually even to this day I watch them slip!
They torpedo down to an end that only the blind can see
It is a never ending nightmare.
A nightmare created by a fairytale that I thought-
THOUGHT I had.
A fairytale that took a wicked twist…
A sick, wrong… tormenting twist.
Where drugs… and ego were the knight in shining armor’s only desire.
Not his damsel in distress.
Who waited.
WAITED!
Day after day after day in dragging agony. In distress.
Distress.
She waited for him.
Everyone told her to stop but she had faith in him.
She built a life with her thoughts…
Her home was a castle… adorned with the peace she could never find.
Her prince and her would be there in the castle forever.
She became enchanted… hypnotized, and obsessed by the impossible.
She waited for her dream to come true. Her impossible dream.
Waiting became fruitless.
She conceived new ideas to fix her perfect…
But not so perfect
Intoxicating fantasy.
And upon impulsive acts…..
Acts that were forbidden but seemingly her only hope,
She created with him.
Together they created a child to whom he wanted nothing
NOTHING
But to use the child as a trophy.
Though he was NEVER a trophy in his mothers eyes.
Her eyes…
Those eyes that saw others in lights they could not themselves
LIGHT
She saw.
She saw in all.
Always giving too much compassion.
Too much LOVE
LOVE. She gave it and gave it.
But love was never enough.
Except to save the one thing left that she could value.
Her son.
I let him go.
And it hurt.
It hurts…
It is ever going.
It is not an event…but a process.
A process where a flawed daughter
Cannot make amends.
She cannot fix it.
She cannot patch others
AND THEIR HURT…
It’s agonizing to watch ur mistakes unraveling
Unraveling like a soiled rug all over everyones perfect little lives….
Leaving marks… traces, EVERYWHERE you go.
So she runs.
She runs to…
ANYWHERE?
Anywhere.
Because really it doesn’t matter does it?
She finds herself in a new world.
A world that does not allow fear.
All it will accept is lies.
LIES and wrong ideas.
Wrong choices to survive.
She will give her heart to anyone.
HER precious… heart.
Her body to anyone.
All she asked in return was to be loved?
Because doesn’t everyone need that?
She did it for love.
For the love she could so easily give but could never receive…
Where was grace?
Wasn’t she taught that it was enough?
That grace was sufficient to make up for those things she lacked…?
Her lessons of religion-
Of God…
Of a Savior.
She now felt anger towards.
She felt alone.
SO ALONE.
I am alone.
Fault.
Who was there to blame the fault on?
Was it her?
Was it her who took the dark and drenched her pretty canvas in black?
Or did she just let it happen?
Was she that weak? To simply let her picture be destroyed?
Pitiful and weak.
That’s what she had become it seemed.
Or was she strong?
Strong enough to face a life that was so ugly.
Distorted.
Broken.
Was she brave enough to continually pick up pieces that broke and try and make them fit again?
Pieces that crumbled.
Into dust.
Into nothing.
She was asked to do the almost impossible.
Could no one care for a girl who tried?
Who gave it her all?
Could no one love her again?
Now stained.
Stained with memories.
The kind that break down your hardest inner walls and bring you to tears.
The kind that pinch at every good thing left and discolor them.
That sqeeze away at endurance… until it runs dry.
And as she tries… she is mocked.
Beaten.
Hit by boulders that others roll her way
Trying to slow her down.
And those willing to take her off that road are those who want to use.
USE HER.
As pleasure for themselves.
A simple toy.
Do they not realize who she is?
What she is?
Somewhere…
In the farthest part of her mind she holds on to an idea.
And idea that reminds her of hope for her future…
It is a sparkle… no bigger in size than a grain of sand…
It’s a promise.
The promise that she IS ALWAYS the daughter of a king.
That someone is by her side… and then,
Carrying her when all her limbs have been battered.
Whispering in her ear if she continues he will heal her.
He will fix her imperfections.
He will replace the nightmare in her eyes with light
With fire.
A fire that can burn the lonely nights out of her mind.
A fire that can spark new plans in her field of nothing.
A fire that can boil in her blood…
REFINING IT
And that blood can run through her veins
And cleanse her and make her new.
That can kill the disease of despair.
His promise to be new… to be clean… lingers in her heart.
It wipes her mind… of her torment. Even if just for a moment.
It reminds her of her angels.
The ones who talked to her in the middle of the night when others wouldn’t listen.
The ones who though they had heard her story a million times chose to listen again.
The ones who looked at her with concern.
The ones who cheered her along the way.
The ones who cried WITH her.
The ones who opened their homes, asking nothing in return.
The ones who knew all the right words to say.
The ones who put their lives on hold to plan yet one more way to fix her.
To help her.
The ones who offered their love-
Those that offered their understanding.
The one who was here because of her, that she brought into this life...
THEY were her angels.
And her angels would look in at her through that single window.
That single window in the cell she was trapped in.
And they would give her hope.
HOPE.
They would be her only sunshine in a dreary, dark, cold universe.
She lived for them.
She cried for them.
She felt undeserving.
Unclean
Unfit for such love.
But she craved it.
Needed.
Needed it.
Begged and yearned for it.
But after everything was it still to be deserved?
It was one of millions of thoughts.
Thoughts that circulated her mind without ceasing.
Her mind.
Was it sick?
Or had it just been suffocated by layers and layers of debris?
Could she have control over nothing?
Had she gone too far?
Spiral.
Her thoughts began to twist into a storm again.
A monsoon of reflection
Where every drop is different
One is a new idea of how to fix an err
While another is revenge.
Another is tenderness
Another is ache.
There are uncountable drops.
Creating a puddle
With it’s ripples going on forever.
It’s like a parasite.
Eating her alive.
Will it ever end?
Will these thoughts of the past leave me alone?
Will this crazy… “life” if that’s what you can call it ever turn around?
It has to.
Because it’s not ok.
And most importantly...
Because there IS hope.
Hope.
My next entry will explain the poem :) Peace out.
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